Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
