I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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