I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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