You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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