my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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