I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
