someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize