No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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