i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
