Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
