Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
NoShamevember. You game?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize