Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
