Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
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