dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
