did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
