what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
