Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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