I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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