I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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