we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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