my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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