When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
false alarm, still single
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
