My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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