Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
