I just threw up on my dentist
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
