I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
