What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
