I think i peed on brittanys purse
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
