he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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