I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
