I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
