I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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