I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
