***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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