I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
