oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So much Jack, so little girl.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
