Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
