a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
