A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
