I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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