Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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