i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
