Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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