I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
too bad you live with your parents still
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Randomize
