I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
