Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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