I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
