ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
