FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
