i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
not ubering you a puppy
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
