I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I think I sprained my soul last night
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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