let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
