last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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