id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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