I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
