I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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